So, thinking about my abandonment issues after my recent, Unceremonious drop by my EX-therapist, Jarred Lathrop-Weber, at 2 am, not being able to sleep and feel even more betrayed. Mr. Lathrop-Weber was aware that my birthday was going to one of the most difficult in my life. You see, my mom died at a young age, when I was in my early 20's, just after I had a baby, and my life was in the toilet in a big way. She died, and since my life has again disintegrated in so many ways, I had made a plan to end my life on the birthday when I turned the same age as my mother when she died. That's this week. So I have some decisions to make. Mr. L-W was fully aware of this dilemma for me, as it has been planned for many years.
The plan has been that if I had not become the person I wanted to be, resolved many of my problems and had a good relationship and career by this time, I had the option of ending it all. Mr. L-W knew this, and yet, still, no concern for me. I still have not ruled it out. It's 2 am and I can't sleep. I have only been to bed since 10 pm, and had hoped it was at least 3 am before I awoke, but no...When I went to bed, I could not keep my eyes open. I am still very exhausted, just unable to sleep, and my back and leg are screaming with pain. So I may just have to take my pain meds and try to see if that will relax me enough to go back to sleep.
When I was in crisis, when I started this blog, I was, against the rules of course, taking more than I was supposed to of my sleep meds, so am now out of them. I wasn't sleeping long enough; often only getting only 4 hours a night, so I would take more meds to get enough sleep. I thought that was over last night, as I slept more than 10 hours. So it's my own fault, but I will not be a happy camper until all my meds can be renewed on the 20th.
Still cannot find anyone to watch my dog or I would go into the hospital, if for nothing more than to get my daily medications on time and in full. That would, in actuality, not be the only reason. I need a supportive environment, a regular schedule, people to talk to when I am feeling in distress and some people to talk to me when I need them. If I had someone to take my pup, I would go right now. I have a bag packed. I have had it packed for 6 months. I keep telling myself that if I don't leave my home, then I can pretend the world does not exist. If I don't turn on my telephone, I won't have to deal with the world. All seems really hopeless.
I hate Mr. Jarred Lathrop-Weber for his low-down, dirty way in which he encouraged me to share all, and then dropped me like a bag of dead rats. I feel like a bag of dead rats. I want to be a dead rat.
The plan has been that if I had not become the person I wanted to be, resolved many of my problems and had a good relationship and career by this time, I had the option of ending it all. Mr. L-W knew this, and yet, still, no concern for me. I still have not ruled it out. It's 2 am and I can't sleep. I have only been to bed since 10 pm, and had hoped it was at least 3 am before I awoke, but no...When I went to bed, I could not keep my eyes open. I am still very exhausted, just unable to sleep, and my back and leg are screaming with pain. So I may just have to take my pain meds and try to see if that will relax me enough to go back to sleep.
When I was in crisis, when I started this blog, I was, against the rules of course, taking more than I was supposed to of my sleep meds, so am now out of them. I wasn't sleeping long enough; often only getting only 4 hours a night, so I would take more meds to get enough sleep. I thought that was over last night, as I slept more than 10 hours. So it's my own fault, but I will not be a happy camper until all my meds can be renewed on the 20th.
Still cannot find anyone to watch my dog or I would go into the hospital, if for nothing more than to get my daily medications on time and in full. That would, in actuality, not be the only reason. I need a supportive environment, a regular schedule, people to talk to when I am feeling in distress and some people to talk to me when I need them. If I had someone to take my pup, I would go right now. I have a bag packed. I have had it packed for 6 months. I keep telling myself that if I don't leave my home, then I can pretend the world does not exist. If I don't turn on my telephone, I won't have to deal with the world. All seems really hopeless.
I hate Mr. Jarred Lathrop-Weber for his low-down, dirty way in which he encouraged me to share all, and then dropped me like a bag of dead rats. I feel like a bag of dead rats. I want to be a dead rat.
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