Pain has made it impossible for me to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time. I become exhausted by about 9-10 pm, whereas before I could stay up until the wee hours, sometimes not going to bed until 4-5 am. Now, I go to sleep earlier, then awaken between 1-3pm. I must get up, take pain meds, and then do something else until I can go back to sleep. I would rather just sleep. The pain is causing the sleep disruptions and the sleep disruptions are causing a major pain crisis. Neck, shoulder, elbows, knees, ankles, feet, groin and gluts are in pain. My right side is more affected than my left. The cyclic nature of my pain, depression, anxiety is all connected, and stress is making it worse.
I am losing hope about my ability to cope with my life for the future. How can my life improve if my life is riddled with pain and despair? This blog was started to examine the whole psychological community's lack of help to the LGBTQ community, and now, my physical condition just makes me think, constantly, "I wish I was dead," or "I want to kill myself," at random intervals from sitting on the toilet to waking in the night from pain to the last thoughts I have as I drift off to sleep at night. No one can help me. Nothing can cure me, no pain medication will help and still allow me to be functional, and no kind of therapy will help when I am in pain all the time. I had company over yesterday, and while I enjoyed it, all I could think the whole time was that I can't wait for them to leave so that I can relax. I was hoping these new friends could eventually be new roommates, but the thought of sharing my space, my intimate details of daily life, seemed abhorrent to me, no matter how nice these people are.
No hope.
I am losing hope about my ability to cope with my life for the future. How can my life improve if my life is riddled with pain and despair? This blog was started to examine the whole psychological community's lack of help to the LGBTQ community, and now, my physical condition just makes me think, constantly, "I wish I was dead," or "I want to kill myself," at random intervals from sitting on the toilet to waking in the night from pain to the last thoughts I have as I drift off to sleep at night. No one can help me. Nothing can cure me, no pain medication will help and still allow me to be functional, and no kind of therapy will help when I am in pain all the time. I had company over yesterday, and while I enjoyed it, all I could think the whole time was that I can't wait for them to leave so that I can relax. I was hoping these new friends could eventually be new roommates, but the thought of sharing my space, my intimate details of daily life, seemed abhorrent to me, no matter how nice these people are.
No hope.
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