No Sleep, No Eat

Pain has made it impossible for me to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time. I become exhausted by about 9-10 pm, whereas before I could stay up until the wee hours, sometimes not going to bed until 4-5 am. Now, I go to sleep earlier, then awaken between 1-3pm. I must get up, take pain meds, and then do something else until I can go back to sleep. I would rather just sleep. The pain is causing the sleep disruptions and the sleep disruptions are causing a major pain crisis. Neck, shoulder, elbows, knees, ankles, feet, groin and gluts are in pain. My right side is more affected than my left. The cyclic nature of my pain, depression, anxiety is all connected, and stress is making it worse.

I am losing hope about my ability to cope with my life for the future. How can my life improve if  my life is riddled with pain and despair? This blog was started to examine the whole psychological  community's lack of help to the LGBTQ community, and now, my physical condition just makes me think, constantly, "I wish I was dead," or "I want to kill myself," at random intervals from sitting on the toilet to waking in the night from pain to the last thoughts I have as I drift off to sleep at night. No one can help me. Nothing can cure me, no pain medication will help and still allow me to be functional, and no kind of therapy will help when I am in pain all the time. I had company over yesterday, and while I enjoyed it, all I could think the whole time was that I can't wait for them to leave so that I can relax. I was hoping these new friends could eventually be new roommates, but the thought of sharing my space, my intimate details of daily life, seemed abhorrent to me, no matter how nice these people are. 

No hope.

The Anxiety/Depression/Suicide Connection

Having a difficult week.
My anxiety is completely overwhelming me. 
This is causing suicidal thoughts and depression. 
I can't find a therapist. 
No one will help me. 
No one will even pull their respective asses out to watch my dog for me so I can go to the hospital for treatment. 
Everyone is too caught up in their own shit.

Birthday endings

Well, the nicest person I encountered today was the courtesy clerk at the  grocery store. Well, the check out clerk was also very nice, but the CC was very kind and wished me a happy birthday. My brother is still being a cowardly ass. I called the crisis clinic and fortunately found someone to talk to who was kind enough to not have an agenda about getting off the phone with me. She was nice and kind and compassionate. I got no presents, no calls, no cards and no well wishes from anyone who is my friend or family. I cleaned my house, carpet cleaned dog pee, and did laundry and went grocery shopping. This was the suckiest birthday I have ever had, even suckier than the break up 3 years ago just before my birthday. I hate my life. I still have no one to take my dog so I can check into the hospital. 

Happy Birthday to Me.

I was debating with just myself, obviously, about writing this post. I's almost 2 hours into my wonderful, crappy, shitty birthday. My brother is being a pathetic toe rag, I am watching a marathon of episodes of, "Grey's Anatomy," in preparation of the new and final season. I don't watch regular TV, because, well, it upsets me too much. This has been a problem for about 5 years.I just finally got the last season on Netflix last week. So I am gonna watch the regular scheduled new season so I can find out of they get out of the plane crash site alive. I am sure they do,except for well, Lexi. I mean why spare the one sibling Meredith has. 

Anyway, I got presents today! One from a Harry Potter website wishing me happy birthday and a $5 Starbuck's card from a medical study I in which I participate. How exciting is that. No one I know has given me ANYTHING, not even a card. And this is the suicidal birthday. Some friends, really nice but the "I feel sorry for you" friends invited me out for dinner, but I turned them down after initially accepting, because it was just all too depressing for me. 

So I will just be watching "Grey's" until I can't stay awake anymore, and then I will watch "Grey's " some more. I took a good dump and had a great pee tonight. That's as exciting as it gets. Boo Hoo for me. My $5 Starbuck's card won't even buy me a whole meal. Hate my life, hate my brother and hate my friends for feeling sorry for me. I hate my ex-therapist for dumping me. 

The BIG Birthday

So, thinking about my abandonment issues after my recent, Unceremonious drop by my EX-therapist, Jarred Lathrop-Weber, at 2 am, not being able to sleep and feel even more betrayed. Mr. Lathrop-Weber was aware that my birthday was going to one of the most difficult in my life. You see, my mom died at a young age, when I was in my early 20's, just after I had a baby, and my life was in the toilet in a big way. She died, and since my life has again disintegrated in so many ways, I had made a plan to end my life on the birthday  when I turned the same age as my mother when she died. That's this week. So I have some decisions to make. Mr. L-W was fully aware of this dilemma for me, as it has been planned for many years. 

The plan has been that if I had not become the person I wanted to be, resolved many of my problems and had a good relationship and career by this time, I had the option of ending it all. Mr. L-W knew this, and yet, still, no concern for me. I still have not ruled it out. It's 2 am and I can't sleep. I have only been to bed since 10 pm, and had hoped it was at least 3 am before I awoke, but no...When I went to bed, I could not keep my eyes open. I am still very exhausted, just unable to sleep, and my back and leg are screaming with pain. So I may just have to take my pain meds and try to see if that will relax me enough to go back to sleep. 

When I was in crisis, when I started this blog, I was, against the rules of course, taking more than I was supposed to of my sleep meds, so am now out of them. I wasn't sleeping long enough; often only getting only 4 hours a night, so I would take more meds to get enough sleep. I thought that was over last night, as I slept more than 10 hours. So it's my own fault, but I will not be a happy camper until all my meds can be renewed on the 20th. 

Still cannot find anyone to watch my dog or I would go into the hospital, if for nothing more than to get my daily medications on time and in full. That would, in actuality, not be the only reason. I need a supportive environment, a regular schedule, people to talk to when I am feeling in distress and some people to talk to me when I need them. If I had someone to take my pup, I would go right now. I have a bag packed. I have had it packed for 6 months. I keep telling myself that if I don't leave my home, then I can pretend the world does not exist. If I don't turn on my telephone, I won't have to deal with the world. All seems really hopeless. 

I hate Mr. Jarred Lathrop-Weber for his low-down, dirty way in which he encouraged me to share all, and then dropped me like a bag of dead rats. I feel like a bag of dead rats. I want to be a dead rat. 

Where am I?

Well, after meeting with my psychiatrist on Friday, we came to these facts:

• She is not allowed/is unwilling/cannot assist me with psych hospital admission, ever. This was my reason for seeing her in the first place. So, no reason to see her anymore. 
• My only options for hospital treatment are Emergency Room admissions, which traumatizes me in a very big way. 
• There are no other options for someone like me who cannot pay for psychotherapy other than the poorly managed and operated community mental health clinics. 
• She cannot see me indefinitely.
• She is worried about me.
• I am having severe physical pain problems, none of which have been diagnosed as coming from anywhere. I can barely walk, and sleeping has been hit and miss. 
• I have been being harassed by one of my friends to go into the hospital, but there is no one to care for my dog. Besides the fact that I don't want to go and be voluntarily abused by the hospital. 
• My only close family member is being an insensitive, uncaring ass, even as I was being supportive and loving.
• I hope more people will read this blog so that something can be done for poor LGBTQ mental health clients in King County. 
• I am resigned to having no help in the future.

Review of Seattle Counseling Service for Sexual Minorites

SEATTLE COUNSELING SERVICE FOR SEXUAL MINORITIES

Telephone/TTY: (206) 323-1768
FAX: (206) 323-2184
Email: info@seattlecounseling.orgAddress: 1216 Pine Street, Suite 300
                      Seattle, WA 98101
Office Hours
Monday thru Thursday open 8:00 am to 8:00 pm. (some sessions run later). Friday 8:00 am to 5:00 pm.

http://www.seattlecounseling.org/Services.htm

ALL of my experiences with this agency have ended badly. I went there for the first time many years ago and was installed in group therapy. I actually had a really good therapist, but I needed individual therapy, but was not offered a therapist for this purpose...none was available.  I made some friends in the group, but also, I bonded with the therapist, and then, at a critical point, she announced she was leaving the agency. I had had two previous therapists in private practice who were very good, and each of them ended my therapy due to things that were about them (moving away, etc.) and I was vulnerable to abandonment issues when this group therapist, her name was Rene, announced she was leaving the agency, and could not take any of us on as clients, per agency policy. I decided to give the new group leader a try, but ended up walking out in the middle of the session due to my inability to adjust. 

Thus ended my first attempt at getting help at SCSSM. Some years later, I checked into therapy at SCSSM, and had an intake, and the therapist who did my intake ended up being my therapist. She was dumb as a bag of hammers. I requested a new therapist, and she was a bit better, but it was obvious to me that she was not intelligent enough for me, and got mad at me when I went to group she was running and I was recalcitrant. She had practically forced me to attend, even when I told her repeatedly I didn't want to. The group was made up of very low functioning people which is fine, but wasn't helpful to me. I felt my purpose there was to help the other group members...they could not help me, or even understand me. In addition, I lost respect, in part, for therapist because she was writing on the white board, and misspelled most words. Geez. 

So therapist accused me of being immature and rude. Well, perhaps I was, but I wasn't interested in her little group. Her group sucked and she blamed me for having a bad attitude, because if I had a good attitude I would like the group...but really it was all about her...because she created the group and wanted to feel really great about her ability to forma great group. I did, however, have a great psychiatrist while I was there. She treated me respect and with medications, and I got better, and then, shortly after the breakdown in trust with therapist gone group crazy, I decided that I was done with therapy, and this time, the therapist was insisting I needed to meet with her for closure. I never wanted to see her again. I told my psychiatrist I was done with medications and therapy because I was better, and, on my own, I tapered off my meds, all the while having my therapist hound me that I was making a mistake, even though my psychiatrist understood completely. I was right, and I was better and it was a good thing to go off the meds. I wish my therapist had been my psychiatrist. We discussed things like her dissertation and  education and she understood my intellectual needs. 

Now, my previous post about Erin Brower explains what happened the NEXT time I entered therapy at SCSSM. The only thing I left out was her supervisor, Donnie Goodman. He was/is the clinical supervisor at SCSSM. When Erin confronted me about not wanting to enter the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy program at Harborview,     I believe it was his idea, because when I conveyed my disinterest in the program, she called him into the session, me not knowing him at all, and he told me that since I did not want to do what they wanted me to do, then I was done there, and needed to leave. I guess Erin could not handle chucking me out the door herself, or even apologize or be understanding my choices. She made Donnie-boy come in and do the "tough love" portion of education in poverty mental health. No respect for my wishes. Sudden loss of my psychiatrist. (I will discuss him below). I was blown away. Did this make me want to do the program at Harborview? NO.  

At a point later on, I looked into a therapist at Sound Mental Health, and that was even worse. I was so uncomfortable that I walked out on my intake therapist. She told me if I did not want to discuss any one thing on her intake agenda, I didn't have to, and then proceeded to become irritated when I responded to many of her questions with, "I don't want to answer that." I ended up walking out of the intake. The facility, itself, was filled with filthy, seemingly homeless, drug and alcohol addicted and dysfunctional clients, and no where to sit...which was hard for me, because I am disabled and standing is hard for me. No one would or could help to accommodate me with a damn chair. After this and my previous experience (SCSSM) with community mental health agencies, I simply gave up, and did not enter into therapy (many years later) until Mr. Jarred Lathrop-Weber's offer to assist me, and then dropped me after a month and half. Thank the goddess I never got to the point that I shared anything incredibly private. I told him one thing, which I now regret, and thank the goddess it happened before I felt humiliated. How gross would it have been to lay my heart splayed open, and THEN have him throw me away like so much garbage. 

At this point will review the psychiatrist at SCSSM in another post. Suffice it to say he was fine, uninterested and straight. He threw drugs at me like candy. They poisoned me and I stopped taking them. 

Resources for people in poverty are shameful, and so are the actions of community (LGBTQ) therapists who build their credentials by working at one of these community mental health centers, only to go into private practice and then say (at least by their actions), "Screw all the poor LGBTQ  mental health patients out there."  Sounds like a Dickensian workhouse scenario. Scrooge saw no purpose to help the poor....that's what the workhouses were for. Oliver was dumped into a orphanage because he was "perceived" to be of low birth and poverty, but was "saved" by his rich family in the end. But, what of the Artful Dodger? We are the island of misfit toys. Shame, Shame, Shame. Donnie Goodman? Donnie BADman. SAD and shameful. No rest for the wicked and no help for the misfortunate. 

Tomorrow I go to see my psychiatrist who I have only met once, and I will lie to her about how I really feel, because I don't yet know or trust her. That's all I can say about that right now. She has suggested I go on lithium, because she guessed I might be bi-polar, and then, after my therapist dropped me, she suggested I might change my primary care giver to one of the community based clinics to get therapy there. My primary doctor is someone on whom I rely, who trusts my judgment and knows I am not a drug addict. If I had a new doctor, I would have to detail all of my physical and mental health issues to that person and they may or may not concur with my current treatment and medications which are working properly. I will find out tomorrow if she is worth the time to keep seeing her. I primarily want a psychiatrist so they can facilitate admission to the hospital should I go into crisis and then I won't have to go the emergency room route, which is torture. I will review my emergency room experiences the next time I write. Please comment, I welcome the discourse. And DOWN WITH DONNIE GOODMAN/BADMAN!

Review of Erin Allen Brower, Counselor, MA, LMHC, CE

Front Street Clinic
2800 East Madison 
Suite #303
Seattle,  Washington  98122 

(206) 535-1382
frontstreetclinic@yahoo.com
http://www.frontstreetclinic.com


Ms. Brower was a straight therapist at the Seattle Counseling Service For Sexual Minorities. http://www.seattlecounseling.org/Services.htm
I will review that place in a future post. It is difficult to separate Ms. Brower from SCCSM, but I feel it is better to detail her personal abilities before tackling an agency that produced her. She makes claims that she specializes in serving the LGBTQ community members, and, I don't know about you, but that sounds like a male therapist saying he specializes in "women's " psychological issues makes him specially qualified simply because he sees women in his practice. Ms. Brower has no more knowledge of LGBTQ folks than a man has about women or a white woman has of a black woman. There may be some understanding, but they can never know what it is like to be queer, or transgender etc.. That is my opinion of Ms. Brower. She likes to help white, financially well off women learn how to care for their babies by hand holding them when they "Bring Home Baby."(See her website). That's a breeder if I ever met one. Yack. I am sure poor women never get her help with their babies, and they are the ones who really need that help. I know this, because I was a professional labor doula for pregnant women for 10 years. Yes, I helped breeders. But mostly the poor, non-white immigrant ones who were alone and needed a kind face and someone to rely on. I know what it means to be an advocate for the vulnerable. Payment, even though I was poor, was not a consideration for me in who I helped. 

You see, the first therapist I reviewed, Mr. Jarred Lathrop-Weber, is also a product of the ill-conceived and misguided management of of SCSSM, a place for newly minted therapists to do their practicum and use the financially vulnerable as lab rats for their self-improvement. In Mr. Lathrop-Weber's case, he told me he hated that place, but he obviously did not use that knowledge to change his practices when it comes to sensitively handling clients who are financially and mentally vulnerable. He is also acquainted with Ms. Brower, much to my dismay. 

So, let us get to the review. I met this therapist after seeing two other therapists at this agency whose names I cannot remember.  One of those two was a newly out of school, and simply asked me each week, "So, what would you like to discuss today?" The other was intimidated by me when I told her, in her questioning what my fears were, that I worried she would not be smart enough to be my therapist. She got pissed when I did not want to do her "homework" assignments and dropped me and I was then assigned Ms. Brower as my therapist. Her therapy consisted of asking me what I thought would improve my life. At the time, I was having career launching issues after attending professional graduate school, and serious problems in my relationship of 11 years, due to being pressured by my partner to achieve my goals and thus land said partner a big financial payoff. I knew what would improve my life, but I could not make it happen. When that did not come to fruition, despite all of my hard work, I was in deep distress, and developed agoraphobia, new symptoms of what they thought was Borderline Personality Disorder, that I did not have previously, and still am doubtful about. My main diagnoses (firmly) are generalized anxiety disorder, and major to dysthymic depression. I am highly functional when my life is organized, my social network is working and I have enough money. As a matter of fact, I am almost symptom free when the money flows relatively freely (don't need to be rich, just enough to do the things in life I want to do and not worry). I have worked successfully through many difficult academic programs and am quite gifted. My physical disabilities have caused me to be mostly unemployable  and my education makes me overqualified for many people in considering me for positions I CAN perform. 

So, back to my review. Ms. Brower kept telling me that she could not help me. I was stuck. Nothing was moving forward in my life, so the resolution of a satisfying relationship and career were not happening for me, so she and her supervisor decided to shunt me off to a clinic that did Dialectical Behavioral Therapy,(typically for people with Borderline Personality Disorder) for very low -functioning patients. For example, they said that "perhaps" I could begin to work after a year in the program. I checked it out, but went back and told Brower that I was not interested and did not think this would help me since I needed to jump-start my career immediately and my marriage needed to be rehabilitated right now. So she and her supervisor, met with me, told me that since I would not go to the program, they were kicking me out of therapy. 

So there I was, vulnerable, no where to turn, and trying to deal with my troubles. Several months later, my marriage was ending, I called my primary doctor and asked her if I she could assist me in checking into the hospital for suicidality. I was very distraught, but rational, responsible and not whacked out. I was being put onto the street, no money, no support, no job. Because my doc did not know how to deal with mental health issues involving admission for depression, she called a number she was supposed to call, and since I was on medicaid, and medicaid assigns a therapist once you are in the system to shunt all your crap to, they called Ms. Brower, the one who had dumped me months earlier? I guess she was still listed as my "official" therapist of record. She called and asked me, "Are you suicidal?" I said "Fuck you!" and then "Yes, why do you care?" and hung up. So that alone gave her the authority to send police and an ambulance to break down my door, take me out of my home against my will, and shackle me to a gurney in the hallway of the emergency room of Harborview Hospital for seven HOURS! No one cared for me, no one checked on me, no one came to see me. I had no privacy and no care. I had my cell phone with me, and called the inpatient psych ward and told them that there I sat, that I was not suicidal (I was) and that I should be let go. They sent out an elderly psychiatrist who asked me three questions and released me. Wow, how well the system worked. I was traumatized, abused, and not helped by anyone. Did Erin call to follow up? No. What an asshole. So much for my decorum on this forum. Do I recommend her for ANYTHING AT ALL??? NO! Not unless you want to overpay an emotionless breeder who thinks that rich women need instruction in how to care for their damn babies, who are already going to be in expensive onesies and an overpaid college education and then come home to live with their parents. And they thought I had problems. I don't begrudge anyone an education, as I have one myself, but no one planned for mine, much less supported me through it. I just am baffled by the allocation of resources. It boggles my mind that a spoiled and well off straight white woman would even be able to look anyone in the eye after what she did to me. And the fact that she worked her program at a clinic for poor mental health clients, and now does NOTHING to help that community is a slap in the face. What a monster. It's not active hate that hurts our community, but apathy toward the vulnerable. Erin Brower is an enemy of the LGBTQ community, not an advocate. Just because you can tolerate a population, and think you know something about them does not mean you are an ally. I was not supported by her in any way and I was the most vulnerable I could be. SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! Erin Allen Brower. You are contemptible. 

MENTAL ILLNESS AND HIGH I.Q.

Mental Illness and High I.Q.

I find that it is always a difficult problem for people who have mental illness and a high I.Q. to merge those two aspects of oneself in social relationships, professional relationships, and as a client/patient of a mental health professional. 

These are some of the issues I have had in no particular order:

• I worry I am smarter than them.
• I get exasperated explaining how smart I am and trying to make sure they believe me.
• I get frustrated describing my medical and mental health care issues, and telling them why thus and such has not worked for me in the past and do not see any reason to do it again. 
• Counselors who cannot spell. 
• Knowing more about most subjects than they do. 
• Doing more research on my condition or medication than they do. 
• Having figured out my diagnosis before going into see my doctor only to have to go anyway, spend the time and money to do so, and have them tell me what I already know. 
• Being so smart and still be unable to cure my "mental defect" of depression and anxiety.
• Feeling guilty and defective when I make things go wrong in my relationships when I feel like I cannot control what I do.
• Unable to tell a mental health professional everything I really want tell them because I am afraid of losing my freedom or my civil rights. (Suicidal people have less rights than do criminals). 
• Being afraid of being carted away to the psych unit when I tell the truth. 
• Having to keep secrets from almost everybody I know because of prejudice, how they will react and fear of losing my freedom, and my friends. 
• Having difficulty deciding whether or not it is rational and intelligent to want to kill yourself when you really feel your life is not worth living. 
• Not being able to make suicidal ideation go away even when I am happy and satisfied with my life.
• Being so intelligent and still not being able to find gainful employment despite having an education that is higher than most people in the world, due to mental and physical disabilities. I have to be so much more than everyone else just to compensate. 
• Not being able to work just because I need to stay poor to get the healthcare I need, even if the mental health coverage is inadequate and abusive to me. 
• Knowing that even IF I feel like killing myself, it's my life and it's my right and I might still feel better being at home than the hospital, where my intelligence means NOTHING.
• When I am suicidal, I may be irrational, or I may be rational. If I am rational, what if ending my life is the right thing for me? 

That's enough for now, don't you think? Next time, another review of a less than stellar mental health care provider. I bet you can't wait. 

Review of Jarred Lathrop-Weber, LMHCA, MHP

Embrace Counseling

http://seattlelgbtqcounseling.com

253 906 8738 
1812 E Madison St #101 
Seattle, WA 98122 
Email: jarred@jarredcounseling.com




Jarred Lathrop-Weber

Education:

• Bachelor of Social Work (2004)
  Pacific Lutheran University
• Master of Arts in Child, Couple, and Family Therapy (2009)
  Antioch University

Work Experience:

• National Nonprofit Crisis Outreach program (2006-11)
  Family Advocate/Child and Family Therapist
• Seattle-based Community Counseling Organization (2008-09)
  Mental Health Clinician
• HIV Vaccine Trials Unit (2006-09)
  Recruiter
• Nonprofit Family Services (2004-06)
  Family Support Specialist

Mr. Lathrop-Weber is a therapist based in Seattle's Capital Hill. His qualifications and information are listed above. You can go to his website for his opinion of his philosophy and practice. I will not list it here except to exemplify what he thinks of himself and what he does in practice. 

He is an engaging young man who seems to genuinely care about others. He serves in many capacities, in addition to his practice, and so I feel he is pulled in many directions. He frequently discussed his other jobs, his health, his issues with his office space, and how much he does for the "community." He agreed to see me in therapy before meeting me because of a mutual acquaintance who was looking for help for me because I could not afford therapy. This was very kind of him, but I do not believe he thought it through, because he was not prepared to be committed to the therapy of someone who was not supporting him. 

I was very honest with this man, and he understood the depth of my troubles. We also signed the standard "safety agreement"  which included things such as calling the crisis line should I have a crisis, but also that I should contact him, by email or by phone. As he began to see that I would often go into crisis (after only 5 weeks) and I would email him, (not continuously) he would respond, and send me notes stating that he would discuss "my concerns"in our session and to call the crisis line if I needed to discuss my problems. The problem is that a therapist NEVER calls the crisis line and they do not know that most of the time they are not very helpful, unless you want a referral. If you feel suicidal, and they ask you, "What can you do tonight to help yourself feel better?" Who can answer that? "I called you, that's what I am doing to try to feel better." And then they get off the phone and you still feel the same. I am interested to know how others experience the crisis line. Please leave your comments. 

After a particularly difficult time, in which I was irrational and going through things that had been brought up by therapy, I emailed him and I was not well. But what I said to him, while not attacking nor being abusive nor demanding, irritated him, I suppose, because I never really got a reason why he wrote me an EMAIL the next day dropping me as a client, telling me to call the crisis line or go to one of the many poverty mental health centers that he was aware I had had issues with in the past, washing his hands of me. He had said he would CALL me the next day. He did not do that.  I am not sure about you, but when you are mentally vulnerable, you hope you can depend on your therapist to at least get you through a crisis, and then decide together whether or not you are a good fit. Did not happen, and even my psychiatrist was "appalled" by his actions and said what he did was very "cold." 

While I would not recommend Mr. Lathrop-Weber for just anyone, and especially no one who needs in between therapy session support. I am pretty sure he is too busy for a needy client. He is probably best suited for a gay man who simply has issues coming out of the closet or a gay male couple who need couple's counseling or have internalized homophobia, but no deep seated issues with mental health. He is not mature enough nor invested enough nor unselfish enough to care for people who have serious psychotherapy issues. So, I would not recommend him for many people at all. Period. He has his own issues that he has not worked through in order to be present for his clients. 

Thanks for reading, and I will post another review in the coming days! 

Purpose

The purpose of this Blog is to steer people of LGBTQ community in Seattle who are of limited means to resources or away from resources that are available/unavailable or helpful/unhelpful from this blogger's own experience. Your mileage may vary, and these are MY opinions about my experiences with these resources/people. 

A little about me: I am a highly educated individual in my late 40's who has had a history of great challenges personally, and great accomplishments. In order to maintain my privacy, I will say very little more about myself, but I will occasionally share a personal anecdote to make a point or to give an example as to why I have come to the conclusions have come to. I have been a consumer of psychological counselling, medical (primary care) assistance and psychiatric care. I was once hospitalized for depression in  my late 20's and have tried many medications for anxiety, depression and sleep problems. I have found most medications helpful for a season, and then unhelpful. I have suffered from sexual dysfunction as a result of SSRI's (many kinds, starting with the advent of Prozac, which caused me nerve and muscle tremors). I have a history of obesity, remedied, in part, by gastric bypass surgery, but when put on a mood stabilizer (Abilify) I gained 20 pounds in 3 weeks. SSRI's are also known to cause an individual to gain weight, and research has shown that the sexual dysfunction caused by SSRI's can be permanent, even after discontinuing these drugs. I have found this to be so. I am not citing journals here, but do your own research, an you will find these assertions to be true. I also took Cymbalta, along with the Abilify, and had a difficult time urinating. I felt like I was being poisoned. I take Trazadone for sleep, Ambien for sleep, Tizanidine as muscle relaxant and Ativan and Klonopin for panic attacks and anxiety, respectively.

Despite my depression, which I have had since childhood, I have chosen NOT to take anti-depressants due to the issues I have discussed above. I feel as though I am guinea pig, because the medical community has NO idea how these drugs work. Unlike narcotics and benzodiazapines, these other drugs are really an experiment on each individual. I am tired of the shot in the dark approach, but my medical advisers and even some of my friends and family are not happy with my decision not to take these drugs. I know they work for some people, and especially those people who have schizoid disorders and bi-polar disorders need to take some of them as well as anti-psychotics. 

I also have the dual disability of chronic pain, due to fibromyalgia and several severe injuries to my back and joints. So, I  now take a combination of hydrocodone, Neurontin, and Tramadol. I cannot take NSAIDS due to a history of gastric problems. I do not have a history of addiction or misuse of drugs or alcohol. I have been hounded for years to take Lyrica, but I do not find the side effects to be worth the potential benefits, because they are similar to the mood stabilizers that I have also eschewed. So these are my choices, prejudices, opinions and decisions. I welcome your comments on why this or that choice was made by you, or you allowed to be made for you by your medical provider. I am of the opinion that we are not victims, and I really do not want this to be a forum for complaints or whining about meds, because we have agency, and we are capable of deciding what medications we do or do not wish to use, as long as we are not hurting others. I wish this to be a forum of intelligent critique and discussion or modalities, current state of psychological and psychiatric care or lack thereof in our area. I also wish to discuss the policies of medicaid in our system of mental health care, and disparity of how we are treated based on our class status, or whether we are poor or relatively well off. 

Once of the most interesting things I want to discuss is involuntary commitment based on class status, community mental health centers and lack of choice in psychotherapy. I will also "name names" in terms of individuals and agencies which have served me well or have treated me in disrespectful and horrible ways. This is all for now. I will post more later, with specifics on my recommendations or care providers in the Seattle area. Please feel free to tell your stories. Remember, no whining! We are powerful people and we make our own decisions.